The ever increasingly stigmatic taboo of (du du DU) Depression!

It's amazing how many topics have become taboo over the past decade. It seems like we're self censoring at this point, as we call each other out over "triggers", labeling one another bigots, racists, sexists, etc. There are so many topics we can't talk about, or we're afraid to talk about, for fear of someone immediately screeching out these insults, instantly marking us, and ostracizing us from our peers. I, myself, have held back many a time from remarking on a post or comment on facebook for this exact fear. In our striving for more acceptance and understanding, we are adversely casting so many out who dare to even utter a thought about the subject(s). Take, for instance, a hugely controversial topic as of late: Depression! Yup, I said it!

I have struggled with "Depression" and "Anxiety" my whole life. I have never taken an SSRI or any other form of prescription medication to treat these. I have, however, taken every "home remedy", herbal remedy, self care remedy under the sun. I have bouts of anxiety and depression these days, but nothing like I used to, and I can tell you why. It doesn't have much to do with medication, or herbal remedies. It does, in part, have to do with diet and exercise, getting enough sun, and surrounding myself with kind people, BUT, it mostly has to do with feeling valued, being respected and honored for my production, and feeling I am a worthy contribution. And that, I believe, is the key.

We live in a society, in a culture, where we perform menial duties at shit jobs, where we are not valued, or compensated appropriately for our contributions. We feel neither enthusiastic, nor challenged. Most of us move about our days on some sort of auto pilot, awaiting our return to our little boxes, so we can veg out on our devices and vices. We don't feel valued. We don't feel as though our individual talents are being utilized efficiently.

There are other factors. Obviously, many of us grew up in toxic households, experiencing numerous accounts of trauma. These contribute to how we are shaped and how we view ourselves, and the world around us, as well as what we've come to expect. For many, the trauma's don't end at childhood, and continue, through military trauma, friends and loved ones dying, postpartum depression (which, in my personal opinion, is just a natural response due to hormonal imbalances and exhaustion), and many more. The trauma's pile up, and many of us are not addressing them, MORE than that, we are not coming to a place of self understanding and acceptance that we are having completely NORMAL human responses, to fucked up situations and circumstances. WE are normal. WE are ok All of us.

I can tell you that 90% of my depression dissipated when I stopped drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, and drinking coffee, which I quit all in the same year. I became an alcoholic pretty early on, during some of my most formative years. I believe that it shaped my neurological wiring to skew the way I perceived the world. I developed severe paranoia, to the point where I wouldn't leave my house sometimes, for fear of my neighbors judgment. I thought the world was out to get me. I partook in the occasional street drug, but I never delved to deeply in any of that. My drug was alcohol. And I was hooked. I was looking to get back to that high, that one time I felt elated, that all my troubles melted away, and I was, at last, happy. But somewhere along the way, I dragged myself, and all those around me, down, spiraling, deteriorating my body and my mind. It got out of control, and I allowed myself to be in some not so savory situations which led to some pretty severe trauma. That was when I decided it wasn't serving me any more, and I quit. It's been 5 1/2 years. And I've never felt better.

Healing from alcoholism took some time, and it's been a long road to recovery, but I feel like I've finally pushed through, and came to a place of possibility. I had children, 2 beautiful, amazing little creatures which have enriched my life with purpose and value in a way I never thought imaginable. Then I went and got my Yoga Teacher Certification, and I've been teaching. Being a mother and a Yoga Teacher are fulfilling my life with a sense of valuable purpose. And yet, I strive for more. I'm also a musician, and take every chance I get to make music, endeavoring to once again write and record albums, and perform. I have goals, things to look forward to, which excite me, beyond the daily menial tasks, which I still feel value in, because I know I'm working to foster beautiful lives for these two little chitlins I'm raising. I'm paving my own path now. And it's hard. But it's wonderful.

I still have bouts of insecurity, social anxiety, feeling like I don't belong, but I've now come to realize how HUMAN all of these feelings and responses are, and I don't feel so much like an alien anymore.

There is a society somewhere in Africa, that when U.S. doctors suggested the introduction of antidepressants, replied they already have their own antidepressants, and that they had no need for our western remedies. When one was feeling depressed, they altered their daily life to make sure that the tasks they were completing made them feel useful and of value. The depression would completely dissipate. I'm not going to touch on antidepressants. I'm not going to tell you not to take them. I'm just telling you there are (better?) options. Maybe we should work hard to remove ourselves from current toxic circumstances, and strive to find that place where we are of valuable use. That's all. That's it. I don't want to start an antidepressant war (which I found myself in on facebook earlier this year, YUCK!), I just want to offer my opinion without fear of stigmatic attack. My intentions are pure and come from a place of love, understanding, and an earnestness to help us all. We are sick. In so many ways. I want for us all to get well.

Namaste!

Striving for MORE

Sometimes I think the weirdos, the true outcasts, the ones who've never felt like they fit in or belong anywhere, or with anyone, have to really embrace this about themselves, and allow this to give them the freedom to really embody, and exude their truth. I've never felt like I fit in. Anywhere. With anyone. I was never a part of large friend groups. And if I was, I was still completely misunderstood, and too timid or introverted to really allow myself to fully, and comfortably be myself. True bonds happened occasionally, with seldom few, but I always managed to sabotage these relationships, because deep down inside, I didn't feel like I was truly worthy, and questioned the authenticity of it all. I've spent my life avoiding eye contact, hanging my head, hunching my shoulders, averting my gaze, cutting conversations short, and awkwardly inserting odd statements and responses, which never quite fit.

I've finally started coming to a place in my life of more calm, and confident presence, but this is due to diligent practice in the art of conformity, and an exhaustive resignation to accept this reality, instead of ones which I had previously dreamed. I do incorporate healthy habits, for both body and mind, and they guide me closer to the ability to truly embody my truth, but I still feel like I'm so far away...

I feel like it's my obligation, and perhaps the obligation of many who feel this way, to dedicate ourselves to pushing through the 4th wall into a true manifestation of our lives, and our realities.
If I'm being entirely honest, my current disposition is really a coping mechanism. I go back and forth on the mindful train, meditating to come to a place of being, which helps to turn it all off for a bit, connect with an inner peace, and reset. It helps to calm the internal chatter and anxiety, but ultimately, it isn't a cure all. I eat whole, organic nutritious foods, pure water, I do yoga every day (it's my saving grace), meditate, recite mantras, get outside every day, and continue to strive for happiness through gratitude. It keeps me floating on the surface in everyday pleasantries, striving and maintaining goals towards sufficient provisions, but it doesn't truly quench the inner thirst I have for exhilaration and euphoria.

Music used to provide that, coming from a lifelong musician, constantly singing, writing, performing, every waking moment of my adolescent life. That constant began to dwindle in my early 20's, and had all but disappeared by my early 30's. Now that I have young children, it is non existent. A couple of times a month, I get through a song (after about the 7th take), without the children screaming and fighting, and at that point, I'm exhausted from constant interruption of my true state of happiness, I'm just content to have gotten through it, and post whatever the outcome is on facebook, resigning to 'good enough'.

I want more than 'good enough'. Who are we kidding, we all want more than 'good enough'. But we settle. And conform. And settle. And conform. Until we don't even recognize the person in the mirror anymore, we just flash our chiclets, and head out to play out the same day we did before, and the day before, and the day before that... and I can't do it anymore. I want more. I NEED more. I HAVE to have more. Because I can. Yup. I can. And you can. And she can. And he can. And them. And them and them and them. And we must. I must.

One of my all time favorite quotes which  is from author Jack London, which goes:

"I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out
    in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom
    of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time. "

And now the kids are crying, and diapers must be changed, and mouths must be fed, and I'll prolong my self care just a bit longer.... but I'm grateful for them, I love them, and I WILL find my way.

Hey! I'm a blogger now!

I've been writing my whole life. Well, scratch that, since I was 12, when my grandparents gifted me a diary for my twelfth birthday. From then ensued a lifetime of journaling and writing. I didn't even know I had a penchant for it until it was presented to me, but there it was, love! Blogging seemed like a natural next step for me, but with so much happening in my life, and the foreign concept of it all, I just never delved in. Obviously, now, that seems so silly to me, as I see just how simple it all is, and it's actually quite perfect for me, as I'm always looking for an outlet in writing.  
So here I am, world! I'm a 38 year old stay at home mother of 2, a brilliant, loving boy of 3 1/2, and a starry eyed girl who just turned 1. They own my heart (but sometimes they drive me nuts!). I always wanted to have children, but honestly knew nothing of the magnitude this role would present; it's the toughest job I've ever performed, and continues to challenge me, daily. I've grown in unimaginable ways, and it's forced me to face myself, unabashedly, raw and real. At times, I get so frustrated at what a thankless job this is, as I do all the things I used to do, on top of trying to rear 2 little humans in the best possible way. I'm definitely not the same person I was a few years ago, and yet everyone still looks at me the same. It's a strange and wondrous realm, this world of motherhood. But I wouldn't change it. Any of it. For all its challenges, it's also opened me up to pure, unconditional love, which I truly never thought existed. I would die for them. My babies. 
I'm a recently certified Yoga Teacher, ever journeying deeper into the world of Yoga, deepening my love, appreciation, and respect for the practice, and how it has helped me so immensely through trying times. It's just amazing to me, what a vast world has opened up that I just had no idea existed! The physical practice, Asana, is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Yoga. My body, mind, and essence (Prana) are healthier and stronger than they've ever been, and yet I continue to heal and grow in so many ways. 
I have a passion for everything health and wellness, nutrition and fitness. These have been hobbies and passions of mine for nearly 20 years. I think I've done every cleanse under the sun, haha! 
I'm a musician; my voice is my primary instrument, and I was usually in at least 2 choirs, if not 3, growing up. I was in various bands, endeavors, and projects. When I turned 20, my brother and I were signed with a record company in San Francisco, and had quite the experience, which I'll elaborate on in another blog :). I also dabble in piano, ukulele, the recorder, and I play a mean Kazoo! I honestly don't know how I would have made it this far in life without music; it has been an old friend, helping me through the toughest of times, and guiding inspiration through the most exhilarating times. It has brought me closer to myself, and to others, whom I might have never connected with, if it weren't for the connection through music, and the realms it takes one to. 
I'm a poet, a thinker, a dreamer, I love to travel, new adventure, hiking, biking, swimming, camping, kayaking, snorkeling, frisbee, gathering 'round a campfire with friends, and partaking in all this world has to offer (though it hasn't been as easy to do so these last few years, but more on that later). I'm outgoing, but an introvert (boy, is this complicated!). I love people, and love hanging out, but I also need my space and private time to rejuvenate and refresh. I hate small talk, but it's not always easy for me to dive right into deep conversations, especially with those I don't know very well. I try to be free from judgment, yet I think a healthy level of caution is wise. My ultimate goal in life is to reach enlightenment, or happiness. I want to approach the day with alert clarity, remaining calm in whatever life presents, but neither vacant, nor dull. 
Life challenges me daily. Some days I'm better at receiving the challenge than others, but I never quit. That's not even an option. Life is too brilliant and magnificent, in all its possibilities. We just need to open ourselves up to them. And say yes. Something I'm working on, daily. 
So here's to saying yes more, to opening the front door, and parading out into the new day, with all its prospects! Here's to being open more, to letting others in, to sharing, and giving more love. I hope whatever you do today, that it brings you new experiences and connections, and more possibilities to grow. 
Namaste!