Sometimes I think the weirdos, the true outcasts, the ones who've never felt like they fit in or belong anywhere, or with anyone, have to really embrace this about themselves, and allow this to give them the freedom to really embody, and exude their truth. I've never felt like I fit in. Anywhere. With anyone. I was never a part of large friend groups. And if I was, I was still completely misunderstood, and too timid or introverted to really allow myself to fully, and comfortably be myself. True bonds happened occasionally, with seldom few, but I always managed to sabotage these relationships, because deep down inside, I didn't feel like I was truly worthy, and questioned the authenticity of it all. I've spent my life avoiding eye contact, hanging my head, hunching my shoulders, averting my gaze, cutting conversations short, and awkwardly inserting odd statements and responses, which never quite fit.
I've finally started coming to a place in my life of more calm, and confident presence, but this is due to diligent practice in the art of conformity, and an exhaustive resignation to accept this reality, instead of ones which I had previously dreamed. I do incorporate healthy habits, for both body and mind, and they guide me closer to the ability to truly embody my truth, but I still feel like I'm so far away...
I feel like it's my obligation, and perhaps the obligation of many who feel this way, to dedicate ourselves to pushing through the 4th wall into a true manifestation of our lives, and our realities.
If I'm being entirely honest, my current disposition is really a coping mechanism. I go back and forth on the mindful train, meditating to come to a place of being, which helps to turn it all off for a bit, connect with an inner peace, and reset. It helps to calm the internal chatter and anxiety, but ultimately, it isn't a cure all. I eat whole, organic nutritious foods, pure water, I do yoga every day (it's my saving grace), meditate, recite mantras, get outside every day, and continue to strive for happiness through gratitude. It keeps me floating on the surface in everyday pleasantries, striving and maintaining goals towards sufficient provisions, but it doesn't truly quench the inner thirst I have for exhilaration and euphoria.
Music used to provide that, coming from a lifelong musician, constantly singing, writing, performing, every waking moment of my adolescent life. That constant began to dwindle in my early 20's, and had all but disappeared by my early 30's. Now that I have young children, it is non existent. A couple of times a month, I get through a song (after about the 7th take), without the children screaming and fighting, and at that point, I'm exhausted from constant interruption of my true state of happiness, I'm just content to have gotten through it, and post whatever the outcome is on facebook, resigning to 'good enough'.
I want more than 'good enough'. Who are we kidding, we all want more than 'good enough'. But we settle. And conform. And settle. And conform. Until we don't even recognize the person in the mirror anymore, we just flash our chiclets, and head out to play out the same day we did before, and the day before, and the day before that... and I can't do it anymore. I want more. I NEED more. I HAVE to have more. Because I can. Yup. I can. And you can. And she can. And he can. And them. And them and them and them. And we must. I must.
One of my all time favorite quotes which is from author Jack London, which goes:
"I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out
in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom
of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time. "
And now the kids are crying, and diapers must be changed, and mouths must be fed, and I'll prolong my self care just a bit longer.... but I'm grateful for them, I love them, and I WILL find my way.
